Imposter Syndrome and the Villain Voice in My Head
“Each time I write a book, every time I face that yellow pad, the challenge is so great. I have written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘Uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.’” -Maya Angelou
“I am not good enough…”
“No one will take me seriously…”
“I will fail…”
“Nobody believes in my talent…”
“If I talk, they’ll realize I’m a fraud.”
“Why am I even doing this? I’m wasting my life in a dark room…” proceeds to cry at my desk (this last one has happened more than I care to admit)
These are just a handful of thoughts that have crossed my mind over my career as a filmmaker/TV editor. If you jumped into my brain at any given moment, you could even find many of these thoughts during my day-to-day, if I’m being honest.
I have edited films and shows for major networks and streamers. I’ve worked with A-list talent and directors, along with the biggest studios out there. I’ve helped people get funding to make their movies and shows. Some of my cuts have garnered millions of views, and even millions of dollars in charity. On top of that, I’ve made a good living doing all of this.
But no matter how long I work in Hollywood as a film and television editor, I battle these thoughts constantly. I can almost bet you do too. It’s probably why you’re reading this post right now. After all, according to data, 70% of the entire population experiences this phenomenon. It’s called Imposter Syndrome.
What Imposter Syndrome Actually Is
It was coined as the “impostor phenomenon” in 1978 by psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes. Their definition:
“The term impostor phenomenon is used to designate an internal experience of intellectual phonies, which appears to be particularly prevalent and intense among a select sample of high achieving women. Certain early family dynamics and later introjection of societal sex-role stereotyping appear to contribute significantly to the development of the impostor phenomenon. Despite outstanding academic and professional accomplishments, women who experience the impostor phenomenon persist in believing that they are really not bright and have fooled anyone who thinks otherwise. Numerous achievements, which one might expect to provide ample objective evidence of superior intellectual functioning, do not appear to affect the impostor belief. Four factors, which contribute to the maintenance of impostor feelings over time, are explored. Therapeutic approaches found to be effective in helping women change the impostor self-concept are described.”
You can read the full paper here, but I’ll reference some of their findings below. They worked with over 150 women from various backgrounds who were respected in their fields, held PhDs, or were recognized for their academic experience. And over that study, they found that no matter their success, the women did not experience an internal sense of success, but rather considered themselves “imposters.”
“In other words, these women find innumerable means of negating any external evidence that contradicts their belief that they are, in reality, unintelligent.” -The Impostor Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention
Imposter syndrome is this feeling of phoniness and unworthiness. As CEO Lou Solomon describes it in her TED Talk, it’s this idea that we don’t believe we deserve the credit, as if we snuck in the back door of life’s theater and snuck up onto life’s stage. While we’re up there, we know there’s a security guard out in the audience, and if they find or see us on stage, we’re cooked. So we’re constantly looking over our shoulder.
If I didn’t know any better, I’d chalk it up to the life of an artist/creative. Because art, and my chosen path of post-production, is such a criticized and competitive field, it tends to be more prevalent. If you ask literally any person who’s made art or endeavored in a creative venture, if they’re honest, they’ll say this is true. But this affects everyone. Imposter syndrome is real. The higher you climb, the more success you have, the more insecure you become and the less you feel you’ve earned or deserve that success.
It breeds self-doubt, and you tend to start defining yourself by other people’s success. That leads to anxiety, depression, fear of failure, and frustration trying to meet your self-imposed standards of achievement. It can also lead to more destructive things like addiction if you’re not careful.
Where It Started for Me
According to Clance and Imes, along with many other psychologists, this typically begins early on in your childhood. It could be from your family having high expectations of you, trauma big or small, societal stereotypes, or your need for approval, among other things.
Growing up, many things in my life came naturally to me. I was naturally good at sports and excelled in music, but early in my life, I didn’t put in the work under the hood to sustain my ability at a high level because I coasted on that natural talent. I strived for perfectionism, but if something didn’t come easy to me, then that meant I wasn’t good enough. If I had a solo in music, I’d need to work 10x as hard as another person to live up to expectations. What did that mean to me at that time? I wasn’t good enough, because if I have to work that hard to be good, then I don’t deserve the accolades. If it worked out and I did well, I was lucky. When I didn’t do well, it was because I wasn’t worthy. This pressure developed imposter syndrome at a very young age, not only in music, but in sports too.
Football came naturally growing up, but when I switched to baseball in high school, I struggled immensely. It enhanced this idea that I’d never be better than the next person who was hitting home runs and getting scouted. I was comparing myself to everyone else. In reality I just never got the reps in like others did. But it didn't matter to me at that time. I didn’t want to admit where I struggled because people would see that I wasn’t good enough to be on the team. Any struggle I experienced at the plate or on the field reinforced those negative beliefs in myself. I never got any better because of this and my mental heath suffered as a result.
Then the icing on the cake that led me to today. I always wanted to be a filmmaker growing up. But because it was such a far-out pipe dream, I always felt it wasn’t in the cards. When I got into a highly selective film school program, I dismissed it as luck. Some higher power, and clearly not because my application was good enough. I didn’t know about the films and movements of cinema like others did. I hadn’t experienced those soul-defining moments sitting in front of a large-format screen like others had. So I stayed silent. Because if I talked about the movies I enjoyed, I’d be seen as a fraud or someone who knew nothing about film. When I got feedback on scripts I wrote, it again reinforced my imposter syndrome. I didn’t belong here or in this profession. When a professor told me not to make a film that I truly believed in from a script I wrote, I made it anyways to prove them wrong. But I always felt it sucked because of their original thoughts. I never got to truly experience that film as a win in my journey as a filmmaker.
“With imposter syndrome, you are never allowed to be fully you. You had to become what was needed instead of what was natural. You feel like a fake because you had to be more true to others than you have been to yourself for a really long time.” -Sheaba Chacko, Licensed Therapist
What It Looks Like Today
For me today, imposter syndrome can live in this idea much of the time: “If you don’t move to LA or NYC, you will not be truly successful in your career.”
I feel (again, wrongly) that people don’t take me seriously enough outside of those cities. I then strive to prove them and that idea wrong. But at the same time, my brain believes that deep-seated belief is right, despite my proven track record of already having a successful career outside of those cities. But because of imposter syndrome, it can feel meaningless at times. My wins are like “cotton candy. A sweet blast of air and then nothing,” as CEO Lou Solomon puts it.
The “Tryhard” Comment
A quick anecdote. I’ve never typed these words, but I think acknowledging them in a public forum is productive for me, and maybe for you as well. A colleague once told me that he heard another person I’d worked with in the past call me a “tryhard.” At first I was pissed, but really, it’s not that bad of a name to be called if you dissect it, and I mostly brushed off the ignorance. What it did do to my core, though, was reinforce my imposter syndrome and negativity bias. Someone who is a “tryhard” can be said to be someone who tries hard to fit in but lacks the natural talent. This (although untrue) was what I already believed people thought of me, even though I worked 20x harder than those around me to prevent those ideas from happening. And THAT is what triggered me. I believe I have the talent, ability, craft knowledge, and willingness to learn and be great. But where imposter syndrome attacks is within those low and dark moments. It gets you right when you’re down. If you don't know how to navigate it, it can be debilitating. “Maybe this person is right. Maybe this is the time I finally get outed as the imposter that I am.” I don’t believe those words, nor do I care about that person’s thoughts about me. It was said after an intensely noted project. But I sure felt those words because of my own imposter syndrome, especially with all those similar feelings growing up.
How to Fight Back
So what do I (WE) do to combat this so-called imposter syndrome?
First is to recognize if you have it. Therapist Sheaba Chacko notes a few signs that you have imposter syndrome:
Despite working 2x as hard, you still feel half as good.
If someone tries to praise or reassure you, you deflect it and credit it to luck, divine intervention, someone’s oversight, or “it’s nothing.”
You never get to relax because the wheels of guilt and pressure are grinding you into overthinking, overplanning, and spreading yourself super thin in hopes that one day it’ll all be worth it. Only to end up with your head spinning from burnout.
This isn't just modesty. It's something bigger to address. But you have to acknowledge that we will never fully get rid of these feelings. “It’s completely natural. It only really doesn’t happen to one group: the people who really ARE imposters,” as Harvard professor and author Arthur C. Brooks puts it.
What you can do is find strategies and therapy. Investigate and come up with systems that support and cultivate your best and highest self.
While you can’t get rid of it, you CAN definitely call it out. It’s like having a shitty villain voice in your head who says mean things about you. Try naming that villain… because once you can hear and understand that voice, you can finally do something about it. Then create a hero voice. Name your hero. Your hero’s job is to call out the lies and bullshit that your villain says about you. Practice over and over again letting your hero fight those battles. Always remember, your hero voice is the one you should follow on your hero’s journey if you will ;)
Other things to remember as CEO Lou Solomon puts it and I summarize…
Live and fail and ask for help. Vulnerability isn’t weakness.
A successful career doesn’t equal a successful life. See the bigger picture. And remember: you see the full picture, your weaknesses, mistakes, and faults. The rest of the world doesn’t. Aside from some losers in this world, they see the value you bring to this society and to the things you are part of.
Ignore false ideas, like being told, “You should never air out your dirty laundry. You’ll be embarrassed if you do.” Be honest with yourself and those around you. Be situationally aware, obviously lol, but don’t feel you can’t be honest about your faults. That's what you get from me today and any time we interact: honesty to a fault.
Talkers rule the world. People who succeed in life are talkers. Speak up and don’t hide your authentic voice.
We have to call out the lies and limiting beliefs that can isolate us and those around us. Building community and groups to talk about this kind of thing helps. We need to be there not just for ourselves, but for each other. Because if we don’t, if we let our villain voices prevail, we will not allow new brilliant ideas to come through, or experience that next masterpiece, or see the change we so desperately need in this world to make it a better place.
Your Homework
Homework assignment suggested by Clance and Imes’ paper: Keep a record of positive feedback you receive about your competence and how you keep yourself from accepting said feedback. After you review how you deny compliments, try to do the opposite. Listen, take in the positive responses, and try to get as much nourishment as possible out of them. Now go celebrate yourself for a change!